New Blog

... So I know I said I was going to start writing more, and I am, but I'm going to start writing more on a different blog. So for those who follow this blog, switch over to jonmarkcarmona.wordpress.com :) thanks!

Need to get back in the game

So its been a good while since I've actually posted a blog ... Mainly because I post so many "mini blogs" in the form of a twitter update. I guess I've forgotten what it is like to actually have something to say that takes more than 140 characters. In order to motivate myself to blog more frequently, I downloaded this app for my iPhone. Hopefully it'll encourage me to keep up with my blog and really get back in the game. We will see if it works. So for now, take care and God bless.

Transparency

I've done a good job at hiding it, for the most part. But it's hard to keep denying what's really underlining everything. I keep getting asked - "What are your plans after graduation?", and my response is always the same - "I don't know yet, I'll see where God leads me ..."

Cheap. Generic. Simple.

I try to cover my personal concerns and worries with the simplicity and vagueness of those words. But to be truly honest and transparent ... I'm pretty much scared to death. I've been praying for direction, but I feel no pulling in any particular area. My biggest fear is at the end of my life to look back at what I've done and realize that I what I did with my life dims in comparison to what I could have done. Sometimes I really am scared that I won't fulfill the call God has on my life. I love theology and philosophy, I've studied this academic side of Christianity for years now - yet I feel like I'm empty when it comes to what or where I'm going to go. I can stand confident in the things I believe, I can defend the faith, I can engage in deep meaningful discussions about varying topics - but at the end of the day, this knowledge isn't REALLY getting me anywhere. Or so it seems anyway.

I've gone to church networking sites countless times, sifted through ads ... Yet I feel stagnant in my passions when I read through them. None of them seem to really catch my attention or tug on my heart. So I sit here. Aimlessly thinking where I might end up. What I'll be doing. Most people at least have an idea of what they want to do, most people at least have a general direction they are aiming for ... But not me. My personality has always been carefree and laid back, taking each day as it comes without worrying about the day after. Yet when it comes to this, I feel as though that mentality isn't going to get the job done.

It's almost time. In a little over a month I'll be walking that stage and receiving my degrees ... But what comes next? When I hit the "real world" where will I be? It's almost surreal to imagine that this current season is quickly coming to an end. The scary thing is not even knowing what's in the forecast for the next season.

So here I sit ... Unsure. Doubting. Lost. Hoping, praying, for that open door. For that push in the right direction, for that confirmation of what I'm supposed to do. Am I alone in this? Am I the only one with these doubts? With this feeling of fear mixed with just a hint of hopelessness and a dash of insecurity in that department? But despite my numerous questions, doubts and fears ... I know that God still sits on His throne over all. He has written my story ... I just need to find the next chapter.

Frustrations

So it's been a while since I've written. I guess you could say that perhaps I've been busy with school, or maybe I've just been caught up studying for random things. That is part of it. The truth is, however, I just haven't been able to put out everything I've been thinking. I'm disgusted. And I didn't realize this until recently.

What exactly am I disgusted about, you ask? Well ... I'm disgusted at the church. At Christians. At legalism. At snobbish, self-righteous, holy-rollin' "Christians" who think that Christianity is all about spiritual goose bumps. So many Christians (and I use this term loosely to describe them) think that Christianity is about a checklist. Go to church on Sunday - check. Go to church on Wednesday - check. Give my tithe and offering - check. Pray every morning and read my Bible - check.

This is all fine and dandy, but the problem is - this isn't the function of the Church! What people are doing is getting comfortable with the form of Church and they've lost all identity of the function, and what it means to actually BE the church! Christ wasn't crucified between two candlesticks in a carpeted cathedral - yet so many "Christians" are sitting comfortable in their padded pews not giving a shit about the thousands and thousands of people who are dying every single day who haven't heard the name of Jesus Christ!! ... Truth be told, many of you are probably more offended by the fact that I just said "shit" than by the fact that people are dying without hearing the good news of the Gospel. -- and that's exactly what I'm talking about. Christians are getting so offended and argumentative about things that don't even matter, things that are sideline to the main goal of Christianity. So eager to argue doctrine and contemplate theology and debate religion, meanwhile keeping in line with tradition and following all the right rules, pleasing the church leaders and making sure the biggest financial supporter in the local church doesn't get offended ... While 20 miles across town is a man who digs through the trash looking for a piece of bread to eat.

When did the Church lose it's identity?? When did Christians become complacent in their outreach? When did people stop caring for God's children?! ... I'll tell you when - when they started to think that Christianity was all about them. When they started to think that Sundays was about feeling emotional and happy at a church service. You church people make me sick.

How dare you. How dare you call yourself a Christian and sit comfortably in your own salvation not even caring that someone across town is going hungry or cold at night because they have nowhere to live? How dare you call yourself a Christian and turn a deaf ear to the cries of His children who are desperate for just a touch of His kindness? How dare you call yourself a Christian and then respond in anger towards a homosexual, or point your finger in the face of a woman who just had an abortion, instead of accepting these people with love and compassion? How dare you carry the very name Christ and have no guilt or passion in your heart for the thousands of people who have never heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ? How dare you take communion, the bread and the wine, representing the body and the blood of your MURDERED Savior - and then with those same hands you point fingers and blame at people who are equally as sinful as you?! ... How dare you ...

Freely we receive, and freely we must give. No person deserve to hear the Gospel message twice when there are countless out there who have never heard it once. He who turns a deaf ear to the cries of the poor, will also cry himself and not be heard (Proverbs 21:13).

Gandhi said it best - "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians; your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Christianity isn't about you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll start being like Christ.

Complex Simplicity

I went for a run tonight. Nothing out of the ordinary, I try to go for run's as often as possible. But tonight's run was different. It's as if tonight I was more aware of God speaking to me while I was running. The cool breeze that stopped the beads of sweat from running down my face. The calming noise that the trees made as the wind caused the leaves to sound like waves of the ocean. The way the grassy hill in the middle of campus was being swayed back and forth in rhythm to God's orchestrated movements with the wind.

Then I noticed my thought process begin to shift towards Christ's words in the third chapter of the Gospel of John. He talks to Nicodemus about the need to be born again in order to have eternal life, and in His analogy references the wind. He says that we feel the wind, we can see it's effects - but we do not know where it comes from, it's source. In the same way, we can't understand or comprehend things of God or of the Spirit.

I know I'm not the only one who feels like I'm so lost in understanding God's ways sometimes. I have to keep reminding myself that my thoughts are not His thoughts, and my ways are not His ways. There is a purpose and a plan to everything that is done, though we can not see it right away - or even at all, ever. Sometimes God speaks to us through our trials, sometimes He speaks to us through our victories - sometimes we oversee the way He speaks to us during His provision in our hardships. Yet, no matter the situation, problem, trial or circumstance - God never stops talking to us; we just need to take time to sit back and listen.

Will we always understand? No, of course not. But, I'm learning to be okay with that. I mean, after all, if God would be on my level of understanding, then something isn't right. But this is where trust comes in. Trust in Him that everything will work out according to the good for those who love Him, and for those who serve Him (Romans 8:28). No matter the situation, or the complexity that it forms in your understanding - God is still God, He was good during the great flood of Noah's time, and He still sits on His throne forever (Psalm 29:10). Praise be to God, for He is holy.

You Never Let Go

I sit back and I start to think. Suddenly the reality of where I am hits me, and all I can think is - why me?

I have my days. Those days when I feel chosen. I can walk around praying victory and feeling full of God's authority. Then, I have those days when I remember all my faults, trials, and setbacks and I start to wonder if God called the right person.

One day I wake up, and I feel as though I'm anointed, filled with His Spirit, and walking pure and righteous. The next day, I feel ashamed, dirty and not deserving of even being in a church service - like I don't even feel worthy to be in the presence of God worshiping His majestic being.

How could God call someone so messed up? How could He give this mandate to someone full of sin, someone on an emotional roller coaster, someone who falls so often, someone who is not as disciplined as he should be -- how could God give His precious anointing to someone who is so undeserving?? Why me...

There are nights when I fall on my knees, crying, begging God to take the call He has on my life and to give it to someone more deserving because I feel so ashamed. I've screwed up, fallen, been beaten and bruised - and yet He won't stop calling my name. I've doubted, been negative, denied His favor, and even tried to walk away - and yet He won't stop calling my name.

I go to sleep at night, hearing the cries of the lost, my heart aching and burning for the captive, my dreams are filled with visions of revival and God's fire exploding in our churches -- I awake the next morning thinking that surely God made a mistake, because I am not one who is worthy to carry out such a task.

I've been held captive by my calling - a calling which I am honored to carry, a calling which I am privileged to have - but a calling which must have been delivered to the wrong person. If I could be happy doing anything else in the world, I would do it. But my spirit is not content doing anything less than God's work, my spirit is not content doing anything less than the mandate set before me...

And yet, I fall on my knees, and I ask God - why me? Why me, oh God, why me?

And through all my questioning, through all my despair... He won't stop calling my name.

Struggles of a Theologian

"Watch your doctrine closely!" - The Apostle Paul (1 Timothy 4:16)

I've heard it said that theology and spiritual Christianity are on two separate ends of Biblical living. If one studies the backgrounds of theology and the origin of theory - they are accused of being nothing more than critics of everyday Christian living. If one relies only on the guidance and revelation of the Holy Spirit without verification through academics, they are accused of being ignorant in their doctrine with nothing more than a folk theology faith - only accepting what is spoon-fed to them from behind the pulpit.

So which is true? Is it an insult to God if we do not only rely on what the Holy Spirit reveals to us without doing study of our own? Is it an intelligence depravity that we force ourselves to live in if we do not study the academics, but rather only chose to be guided by His Spirit?

Such extremes are what I've grappled with a lot lately. I count myself blessed to be able to grow both spiritually and intellectually since I have started my time at Bible school, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, I realize that there is a growing urge to be critical of those who are not lined up in accordance to what true Biblical interpretation is - and thus they profess false doctrine eisogetically from behind the sacred desk.

But the question arises to my conscience - is such a criticism even criticism at all? If my whole intention is only a reaction to the challenge presented to Timothy from Paul to combat false doctrine - are my actions or thoughts bad? Does it mean that I do not have faith in the Holy Spirit if I desire to research, uncover and diligently pursue an academic explanation to countless presented doctrines?

I submit that such a passionate pursuit of truth is what God would desire. All truth is God's truth. So then is it possible that someone can be deep in academic study while at the same time submitting to the Holy Spirit's revelation? I believe so. For it is during these moments of study that God's character is more revealed to the heart of the studier. Should we draw the line at reading the Bible and praying for revelation? I would say no. I believe it is vital to fully understand the time and context in which passages were written. Without full knowledge of the author's intention or the background of a passage, how could one honestly call themselves teachers of truth?

Does this mean that every time a minister of God's Word gets up to preach that we should look blatantly for false doctrine? Absolutely not. My challenge to you, as well as Paul's challenge to a growing mind in Christ, is to know your doctrine correctly - sound doctrine - and know it well enough to recognize when there is something out of line with God's Word. Does this mean you sacrifice community with the Holy Spirit and reliance on His revelation for academic study of previous theologian's findings? Absolutely not. Paul instructed Timothy to study to show himself approved (2 Timothy 2:15). Study. Research. Learn. Grow. By doing so, you not only grow in the foundation of what God has rooted to be the truth - but you also learn so much more about His identity and who He is - beyond the pages of Scripture. And I believe that such study requires even more dependency on the Holy Spirit's guidance to find ultimate truth.

So why must we be forced to choose between the anointing of the Holy Spirit and the academics of Scriptural context? I submit that to be a true minister of God’s Word, we must be able to have both. Choosing one over the other will only cheapen the call God has placed on our lives.

Academics. Spirituality. -- Opposing ideologies? On the contrary. I believe they go hand in hand - and as the first grows, the latter will flourish.

Challenge yourself. Challenge your mind. Challenge what you've been taught.

And remember - "... watch your doctrine closely."