Transparency

I've done a good job at hiding it, for the most part. But it's hard to keep denying what's really underlining everything. I keep getting asked - "What are your plans after graduation?", and my response is always the same - "I don't know yet, I'll see where God leads me ..."

Cheap. Generic. Simple.

I try to cover my personal concerns and worries with the simplicity and vagueness of those words. But to be truly honest and transparent ... I'm pretty much scared to death. I've been praying for direction, but I feel no pulling in any particular area. My biggest fear is at the end of my life to look back at what I've done and realize that I what I did with my life dims in comparison to what I could have done. Sometimes I really am scared that I won't fulfill the call God has on my life. I love theology and philosophy, I've studied this academic side of Christianity for years now - yet I feel like I'm empty when it comes to what or where I'm going to go. I can stand confident in the things I believe, I can defend the faith, I can engage in deep meaningful discussions about varying topics - but at the end of the day, this knowledge isn't REALLY getting me anywhere. Or so it seems anyway.

I've gone to church networking sites countless times, sifted through ads ... Yet I feel stagnant in my passions when I read through them. None of them seem to really catch my attention or tug on my heart. So I sit here. Aimlessly thinking where I might end up. What I'll be doing. Most people at least have an idea of what they want to do, most people at least have a general direction they are aiming for ... But not me. My personality has always been carefree and laid back, taking each day as it comes without worrying about the day after. Yet when it comes to this, I feel as though that mentality isn't going to get the job done.

It's almost time. In a little over a month I'll be walking that stage and receiving my degrees ... But what comes next? When I hit the "real world" where will I be? It's almost surreal to imagine that this current season is quickly coming to an end. The scary thing is not even knowing what's in the forecast for the next season.

So here I sit ... Unsure. Doubting. Lost. Hoping, praying, for that open door. For that push in the right direction, for that confirmation of what I'm supposed to do. Am I alone in this? Am I the only one with these doubts? With this feeling of fear mixed with just a hint of hopelessness and a dash of insecurity in that department? But despite my numerous questions, doubts and fears ... I know that God still sits on His throne over all. He has written my story ... I just need to find the next chapter.