You Never Let Go

I sit back and I start to think. Suddenly the reality of where I am hits me, and all I can think is - why me?

I have my days. Those days when I feel chosen. I can walk around praying victory and feeling full of God's authority. Then, I have those days when I remember all my faults, trials, and setbacks and I start to wonder if God called the right person.

One day I wake up, and I feel as though I'm anointed, filled with His Spirit, and walking pure and righteous. The next day, I feel ashamed, dirty and not deserving of even being in a church service - like I don't even feel worthy to be in the presence of God worshiping His majestic being.

How could God call someone so messed up? How could He give this mandate to someone full of sin, someone on an emotional roller coaster, someone who falls so often, someone who is not as disciplined as he should be -- how could God give His precious anointing to someone who is so undeserving?? Why me...

There are nights when I fall on my knees, crying, begging God to take the call He has on my life and to give it to someone more deserving because I feel so ashamed. I've screwed up, fallen, been beaten and bruised - and yet He won't stop calling my name. I've doubted, been negative, denied His favor, and even tried to walk away - and yet He won't stop calling my name.

I go to sleep at night, hearing the cries of the lost, my heart aching and burning for the captive, my dreams are filled with visions of revival and God's fire exploding in our churches -- I awake the next morning thinking that surely God made a mistake, because I am not one who is worthy to carry out such a task.

I've been held captive by my calling - a calling which I am honored to carry, a calling which I am privileged to have - but a calling which must have been delivered to the wrong person. If I could be happy doing anything else in the world, I would do it. But my spirit is not content doing anything less than God's work, my spirit is not content doing anything less than the mandate set before me...

And yet, I fall on my knees, and I ask God - why me? Why me, oh God, why me?

And through all my questioning, through all my despair... He won't stop calling my name.